Aaron Adams’s Blowhard Blog

Gone with his wind…

A PUB regular has been barred from his favourite Dunfermline boozer – for indiscriminate wind breaking.

Management at the bar say Stewart Laidlaw “revels” in his bouts of flatulence and other punters have almost been sick after exposure to the foul smells.
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The James Street pub’s owner says the stench has become unbearable since Scotland’s smoking ban came in last year but suspects drinkers could have been breathing in the waft for years before without noticing it.
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“Other people have dropped handbags, shall we say. But when everybody’s choking and I come out with the spray and say don’t do it again, they will appreciate that and stop it.”
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“He will clear the pub out usually and he thinks it is very funny.”
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“You can’t just have one guy sitting there farting his day away and nobody else coming in.”

Dropping handbags? That’s one I haven’t heard. Oh, and that’s the farter himself in the picture. It looks like he’s letting one go as the picture is taken. But it gets worse:

“The smoking ban has raised a lot of issues. Some people are arriving in premises with serious cases of BO and you have to deal with that. “

Thanks, anti-smoking jerks!

Orville Redenbacher has been exhumed and reanimated and reprogrammed to star in ads performing bad jokes. That’s abuse of a corpse, if you ask me.

I’m not a Van Halen fan, and I normally don’t give a flying crap about celebrities. But I saw this picture of Eddie Van Halen on Fox News this morning and I was stunned.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a bad picture of you displayed publicly, and I have nothing personal against the guy because I don’t know him or his music. But the Eddie Van Halen I remember from when I was a kid looked like this.

No wonder he’s going into rehab. The past 10 years or so seem to have been very hard on the poor guy. If he keeps living like this, he could look even worse in another decade.

Good luck with rehab, dude.

Late addendum:

Hm, I’ve dedicated more of this blog to old people driving than I ever intended, so I might as well present this:

89-Year-Old Man Busted for Driving While Naked

Ew.

John Welday, 89, was arrested and charged with public indecency after being caught by police cruising in the buff for the third time, WTVO-TV reports.

The third time. THIRD TIME. Had he been drunk the first time, he’d probably already be serving life in prison. Had he been speaking on a cell phone, he probably would have received two life sentences.

Not only was Welday driving while naked, he was carting around more than 100 pictures of himself sporting nothing but his birthday suit.

Police Chief Barry Carpenter of Martins Ferry, Ohio, said there is nothing illegal about the pictures, but he is worried Welday may have been leaving the photos in public places.

“We find concern with it when he is traveling past a park where children are known to frequent,” Welday said.

I have an idea! Whether it’s ever proved that he left any naked pictures in public places, and whether it’s ever proved that he gave those pictures to children or exposed himself, have a judge declare him a sex offender anyway. Make his last few years a living hell. All accused or suspected sex offenders should suffer because of the seriousness of the charge and not the nature of the evidence, right?

I patiently wait for someone from the AARP, or a similar asshat, to defend the right of old people to drive naked.

I was stunned, literally stunned, to read this article from the Toledo Blade. Among the other very disturbing things written there, is this:

A recently enacted law allows county prosecutors, the state attorney general, or, as a last resort, alleged victims to ask judges to civilly declare someone to be a sex offender even when there has been no criminal verdict or successful lawsuit.

That’s right… alleged victims can convince a judge to declare other citizens sex offenders, apparently without any evidence or the due process of law to examine said evidence. Do you not like the gay people that just moved in down the street? No problem, accuse them of molesting your child, and when the lack of evidence fails to get them convicted of a crime, you and your lawyer can talk a judge into enrolling them as sex offenders anyway. That’ll really fuck up those nasty gay people for life (or at least 6 miserable years). After all, the state constitution (via referendum) has already declared gay people as something less than citizens with full rights. Who cares if they’re (mis)treated like violent or mentally disturbed criminals?

Terrifying.