Aaron Adams’s Blowhard Blog

I wanted to write about this earlier in the week, but life got in the way. Being self employed is great, and at times it has kept me too busy to write or to collect my thoughts coherently enough to make writing possible. Others like Fake Steve Jobs and John Welch have beat me to the keyboard with a similar opinion, but that never stopped me before.

I remember, oh, a couple of months ago when frigtards (to borrow a phrase) sacrificed their dignity to wait in line during the hot summer sun, to wait in line while the rain poured down on them at night, with the hope… the wish!… that they’d be able to get their hands on at least one of the planet changing, magical devices that Christ himself probably was going to stand in line for. And after all their exposure to the elements, after standing and sitting and laying on hard concrete for days or weeks, after being made to look like complete asses in the media, after tying their self-identity to a transient piece of plastic and glass, it turned out that Apple had a shit-ton of the things and the line was completely pointless and stupid.

But the price… Completely worth it. The iPhone was the greatest creation of humanity, it could do no wrong. It cut a tin can as easily as a tomato. It was a dessert topping and a floor wax. It cleaned behind your toilet. It vacuumed pet hair off the furniture. It cooked your favorite dinner and gave you a hand job. Six hundred dollars was a bargain. Why, the frigtards in line were willing to pay twice that if they had to in order to get their hands on one of those precious few iPhones first. Not having one was unthinkable.

And then two months later Apple dropped the price 33%.

And the bitching began.

Shocker. Everyone was stunned. They couldn’t comprehend that technology gets cheaper over time. That’s never happened before! They had paid a kind of (finger quotes) “early adopter premium” (Not tax!*). They had been taken, Apple had ripped them off. The iPhone they proudly presented their plastic for two months ago in a frenzy lest they miss out on the technology event of a lifetime instantly wasn’t worth what they had spent. It was cheapened. Their special device, and subsequently, their personal specialness, wasn’t as special as it was 30 seconds ago. They voluntarily gave up their money in return for the exact goods they were promised and wanted so badly, and now they felt indignant enough to ask for some of it back.

I hope when Steve Jobs heard people wanted refunds, he rolled his eyes and groaned and said, “Fuck them.” That’s the Steve I like. Apple would have been completely correct to issue a PR-speak statement that said, “Too bad, you bought it already. Get over it, and yourself.” But that’s bad customer relations. And it furthers the action line in the press that arrogant Apple is a budding monster who will cheat consumers and take their money any way they can, ass-raping them if necessary without offering them a wet wipe afterwards. (In the press, all companies are bad until “proven” good by the press themselves.)

So Apple offered iPhone purchasers a $100 credit towards other products at the Apple Store. It was a good PR move, it throttled back the bitching a bit, and Apple gets more money from people who feel they were ripped off to begin with. Win-win-win.

I’m amused by all this. All of you obsessive iPhone frigtards have done your damnedest to make yourself look like… um… frigtards since MWSF last January. I realize you’re too dumb to let any of this disturb your sleep at night, but you really should re-evaluate your lives. Take some long walks in a scenic place. Listen to some classical music while sitting under a tree. Go outside at night and see the stars. Grab a big armful of the electronic gizmos you’ve purchased (instead of funding your retirement) and lost interest in and neglected and toss them into a dumpster. Play with a dog. Turn off Lord of the Rings or Star Trek or Nintendo of Playstation or whatever fantasy-based bullshit you’re obsessive-compulsively fixated with and join the real fucking world.

* A tax is something you pay involuntarily under threat of prison or worse. Nobody makes you buy iPhones the day they’re released.