Aaron Adams’s Blowhard Blog

For the second year, I’ve been hearing about some stupid alleged “war on Christmas” (The phrase should really be, “war against Christmas”. I wish I could physically pound this idea into the heads of people who say “war on” too much, and generally use “on” as the all-purpose preposition that can mean anything.) where one side twists themselves into some goddamn pretzel trying to make sure they can’t even remotely be thought to offend anyone by either going to great lengths to include every possible permutation of holidays, or producing some greeting so generic as to be meaningless, and another side which gets worked up into a rabid froth because someone didn’t say “Christmas” specifically and exclusively. It’s all very stupid and a complete waste of time.

However, in my desire to get everyone to quit their pointless bitching and deal with the important issues in life, I have devised an all-purpose, meaningful holiday greeting that speaks to a specific, clear idea and leaves nobody out, which is universally understood, and brings a sense of peace, in true [generic end-of-year holiday] fashion, to the greeter, if not the greet-ee.

“Fuck off.”

Seriously. Try saying it out loud right now. Now say it to a coworker, a relative, or one of the endless legions of unhelpful people you come into contact with every 2.8 seconds. It’s liberating and it makes this time of year much simpler in every way.

Fuck off, everybody!