Aaron Adams’s Blowhard Blog

I’m pretty stoked about the WWDC keynote next Monday. I’ve enjoyed watching OS X evolve, and I’m damn excited to see what Leopard brings. Any other hardware or software announcements are icing on the cake, as far as I’m concerned.

However, there’s a dark side to every Apple announcement. I’ve seen enough keynotes that the reaction to them is painfully predictable. I’ll make no secret of the fact that I dread the aftermath. In that spirit, I present…

My WWDC 2006 Predictions

• John Dvorak will write a trolling column complaining about every keynote announcement.
• Rob Enderle will make a comment to the drive-by media that is completely devoid of facts, and it will become gospel among the tech press and irrational Apple haters.
• Mac-Macs will immediately complain that new Leopard features will unnecessarily consume resources and slow their machines down.
• Mac-Mac developers will immediately set out to create applications that turn off all of Leopard’s new features.
• Steve will pull an iPhone from his rectum and throw it directly at some unlucky crowd member and shout, “There ya whiny little bastards! Are you happy now?”
• Immediately afterwards, he’ll bend the screen and hinge of a MacBook backward, breaking it, and yell, “Here’s your goddamn tablet too. Now leave me the fuck alone!”
• Pundits and Mac-Macs will complain that the new iPhone / Apple tablet are too expensive, and they won’t be shy in letting the rest of the world, who doesn’t give a damn, know that they won’t buy one.
• “Leopard doesn’t fix [some perceived problem that affects two users who have been flooding forums with complaints about their particluar self-created mess]!”
• “I can’t believe Apple is making us pay for a point upgrade! If I buy that for $129, I may not be able to retire!”
• “…blah blah blah operating system tax.”
• Apple’s stock will take a dip, and some jackoff analyst(s) will declare Apple’s doom.
• “Apple is forcing me to buy .Mac!”
• “I hate .Mac! I refuse to buy .Mac! The fact that .Mac even exists has made me impotent! Ninety-nine dollars a year is so much… it’s like all my house payments for a year combined! Oh God, I hate .Mac so much I’m not sure I can go on living anymore! Someone kill me! Gaaahahahhhhbalhgraaablah!”
• “Should I buy a new Mac now, or wait until Leopard comes out?”
• “The new Finder doesn’t meet my personal high standards for software behavior and quality, therefore, it shouldn’t meet yours either.”

Did I forget any? Leave a comment.